I wallow in a lot of things, but self-pity, or feeling sorry for myself, is the most frequented pool where I do my world-class wallowing. Especially now that I'm getting older. And older.
I realize that people can't stand self-pity, so I have to be creative. Inventive. I'll start with something everyone can feel empathy for and then slip in my troubles. "Hey, those protestors sure got a raw deal and I'm lonely."
Here's another one that I thought up recently: "President Trump announced that he isn't willing to compromise on his border wall and that face in the mirror is frightening."
I seize opportunities on the run.
Checkout lady at local supermarket:
"That will be fifty-three dollars and seventeen cents."
"Here's my card."
"Debit or credit?"
"I'm getting old."
I've even tried something like this with my pharmacist. He just picked up the phone and called security.
Speaking of that: I'm really insecure.
The other day, I got so desperate, I splurged and hired one of those bi-planes that companies use for skywriting. I waited for an incredibly clear day and had them write....
RICHARD GOODMAN IS SEVENTY-THREE. WHY?all across the sky.
Anyway, I said I have to be creative. Well, you're listening aren't you? See? So, now that I have you here, I've got a few problems I want to share with you. Let's start off with the loss of memory I'm experiencing and then we'll move on to....