Thursday, November 30, 2017

We all need heroes

As a writer, I've had my share of dreams and fantasies. I've long since abandoned some of them--Nobel Prize, Pulitzer Prize, MacArthur Award and various other honors in a galaxy far, far away.

But then there are dreams and fantasies that may be highly unlikely, but not necessarily impossible. One of those is to tell my literary heroes (living, of course) how much they have meant to me. It's hard to describe how intimate a relationship you can have with someone you don't know when you're a writer. Those writers who have inspired you are often the only people who seem to understand what you're trying to do, even though you've never met them. They do, because, by writing, and by writing with passion and dedication, they tell you that what you're doing is worth it all.

Sometimes, they can even rescue you. Which is what happened to me. It was Laurence Wylie who did the rescuing. You probably don't know who he is. He wrote a wonderful book called Village in the Vaucluse about living in the South of France in the early 1950s in the hill village of Roussillon. Today, Roussillon is a hub of tourism, but not back then. Wylie went with his family to see what living in a small French village was like. The result is a sympathetic, fair, compelling and ultimately delightful book that takes the reader through all aspects of French village life, from birth to death. 

So, how did Wylie rescue me? In the beginning months of living in my small village in the South of France, I was lost. I didn't understand a lot of the ways and means of the villagers. They weren't friendly. And they essentially didn't recognize me. I, of course, thought I would instantly become everyone's best friend. There were a lot of books in the house (owned by Americans, it turned out) I was living in, and one of them was Village in the Vaucluse. The landlady recommended it. I read it, and then everything was made plain. I saw my villagers in Wylie's book and understood I was no exception as to how they led their lives. I was fine after that.

When my book about living in that village was published, one of the first things I did was to send Laurence Wylie a copy in care of his publisher. Along with it, I sent a letter explaining how he had rescued me and how his book would live forever because it was true. I had no idea if he was even still alive at that point. It was forty years after Village in the Vaucluse had been published.

Then, one wonderful day, I received a handwritten letter from Laurence Wylie. This, in part, is what he wrote:

"Your letter was important to me because it helped me shove aside a sort of feeling that at 83 my life is dwindling without my having made a difference by living. Your letter made me feel that I had done something, so I thank you."

That was beyond great expectations.

Two years later, he was gone. But his book lives on, and I believe it always will.

Monday, November 27, 2017

Books & Co., RIP

Some people mourn movie theaters that have closed down. Some, amusement parks by the sea. Some, those old fashioned drug stores with counter service. Some, race tracks.

I mourn the passing of bookstores. I lived in New York City for thirty-five years, and I saw many of them close. Some of these privately-owned bookstores were marvelous, too marvelous for words. When they closed, it was hard on the heart. Take Books & Co., which was located on Madison Avenue and 74th Street.

I wrote earlier about my sighting Allen Ginsberg emerging from that bookstore one day. The place was a two-story gem with rust-hued brick walls, one of which had an astonishing floor-to-ceiling selection of books that stretched on and on. Exploring that wall of titles, you felt like Howard Carter when he looked into Tutankhamun's tomb for the first time and was asked by those behind him if he saw anything. He replied, “Yes, wonderful things.” The place had a staff of seasoned book sommeliers who paired you with the right book for your particular taste of the moment. You could give them the barest direction, and they'd come up with something delicious for you. It was impossible not to make a discovery there.  I spent many happy hours in that store browsing, imbibing titles, finding wonderful things.  
Books & Co. staff with Jeannette Watson, owner, center

In doing some research for this post, I discovered that a book has been written about the store and its owner, Bookstore: The Life and Times of Jeannette Watson and Books & Co.  Who would have thought? I remember seeing Jeannette Watson, slim, with bright blonde hair, always dressed immaculately, obviously proud and pleased of her bookstore, as well she should have been. She was a hands-on, caring owner who, for twenty years, offered New Yorkers the most exquisite experience of the mind. As far as I'm concerned, Jeannette Watson was a saint, if there ever was one.
Jeannette Watson (center) with Erica Jong

The store closed twenty years ago, in 1997. Before it did, there were efforts to save it, but they were futile. It was learned later that Ms. Watson had yearly put about $100,000 of her own money into the bookstore to offset losses. The rent was too high, though. Remember the neighborhood, one of the toniest in the world. So, we lost it. But for twenty years, those of us fortunate enough to have lived in New York at the time had something unique.  

The loss of a great bookstore leaves a special kind of ache. In some metaphorical way, those of us who loved Books & Co. are still wearing black.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

The Ceiling Leak

A few years ago, I awoke one morning in my New York apartment to notice there was a darkish bottle-shaped stain on my ceiling. It looked damp, and had that pre-drip hue to itthe area of the ceiling not quite saturated yet, but almost. We'd had a violent thunderstorm the previous evening. So, I reasoned the person above me, an older lady who lived alone, had negligently left her window open. In came the rain, and it created a little flood in her apartment. Now I was seeing the results on my ceiling, water about to drip down. I got on a chair and had a closer look. Strange. I saw that the patch had a glossy, viscous look to it, not like water.

Then I noticed the smell. The only way to describe it is to say it was the smell of death.
Which, in fact, it was. 

Later, the police forced opened the door of her apartment. They found the body. It was determined she had been dead for four days.  (It was summer.)  I'll leave it to your imagination to figure out what that oily patch was on my ceiling. Maybe some verbs might help. Suppurating. Decomposing. Putrefying. Then some nouns. Intestines. Effluvia. Liquids.
Not the actual leak, but what it looked like

I would pass the lady on the street from time to time. We never spoke. I don't think she ever had any visitors to her apartment. What we had in common was that we both lived alone. It was then that I came face to face with how I might die.  I live by myself.

Some of us will die with friends and family at our side, holding our hand and speaking words of encouragement as we take the last journey to wherever we must go. Some of us will have a priest or rabbi or minister near, comforting us with words we have heard all our lives in churches or in synagogues. Others of us, though, will die alone, without a single person beside us, and rot in our beds, leaving a stinking smell as a reminder of our existence. I pray that someone is there with me, to hold my hand, and speak to me, as I die. To help me with this last act. The simple fact is, I can deal with growing old alone.  But I don't want to die alone.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017


I am thankful for so many things.

I am thankful most for my beautiful daughter, Becky. The best thing to happen to me is being the father of this radiant, brilliant young woman.

I am thankful for being alive. For my good health.

For light; The English language; olive oil; Thoreau; letters (writing and receiving); pencils; walking; kissing; travel; reading; Hemingway; museums. 

For laughing; storms; Paris; writing; birds; learning; the ocean. For outdoor showers; Maine; surfcasting; Henry Miller; Willa Cather; Flaubert's letters.

For peaches; the moon; The Great Gatsby; Southern food/soul food.

For music; M.F.K. Fisher; Giotto; books; Van Gogh; French bookstores.

For the sound of rain; dogs; New York City; fall, winter, spring, summer. For walking in Paris; Ralph Ellison; Velazquez; Verdi.

For my sister; snow falling down; road trips; going to sleep when I'm exhausted; tea; kayaking. For Van Morrison; the Italian language; my bicycle; Michelin maps; Francois Truffaut; tomatoes; tall, slim pine trees; Tennessee Williams.

For old docks; going barefoot; women in summer dresses; friendship; work; porches; the songs of birds; Balzac; my body, every supple, practical, miraculous part of it.

For sight.

For garlic; Cole Porter; West Fourth Street in New York City; Paul Lynde; libraries; the smell of hay; sweat; the Seine; Rome; the stillness of early morning; Pablo Neruda's poetry.

For Langston Hughes; Greenwich Village; warblers; kindness; pastrami; bellylaughs; breathing; Lucinda Williams; the smell of suntan lotion at the beach; dusk; coffee.

For brilliant sunsets; Central Park; Wellfleet oysters; stretching; friends' voices; affection; holding hands with a woman you love; the release of crying; watching my daughter grow up; John Lennon; truth.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Getting rid of my sex toys

I saw a column in The New York Times a while back by a woman urging older people to get rid of their sex toys before they die so said toys are not found afterwards by their children. Who will be embarrassed.

"Look, Timmy, Mom sure had a big dildo, didn't she?"

Or, "Is this garter and stocking thing Dad's?"

Or, "Sis, I just can't picture Mom shoving this up her butt."

I actually feel the opposite.  I don't have any sex toys.  But now that I'm getting older, I may get some just to give the impression that I had a tumultuous sex life.  I want to appear rakish, daring, uninhibited.  I want them to whisper things about me.  I want them to be envious. Awed

"Gosh, he must have had a lot of wild sex in here!  Look at this box labeled, Handcuffs. Don't lose key!  And this leather mask!  Wait, there's a note under it: Too small. See if can exchange for Large and a knitted scarf."

"Oh, look over here!  Is this ring for what I think it's for?  Whoa."

"I didn't know you could buy condoms in bulk. But look at this tub from Costco!"

So, hand me that "Sex Toys R Us" catalog. I'll make them think I was the Marquis de Sade, Warren Beatty and Frank Sinatra all rolled up in one.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Paris in bad weather

“Then there was the bad weather,” begins Ernest Hemingway’s memoir of living in Paris in the twenties, A Moveable Feast. “It would come in one day when the fall was over. We would have to shut the windows in the night against the rain and the cold wind would strip the leaves from the trees in the Place Contrescarpe. The leaves lay sodden in the rain and the wind drove the rain against the big green autobus in the terminal....”

I'm not dumb.  Start with Hemingway.

Hemingway knew exactly what he was doing when he began his poem to Paris with a cold, rainy, windswept day. He knew that bad weather brings out the lyrical in Paris and in the visitor, too. It summons up feelings of regret, loss, sadness—and in the case of the first pangs of winter—intimations of mortality. The stuff of poetry. And of keen memories. The soul aches in a kind of unappeasable ecstasy of melancholy. Anyone who has not passed a chill, rainy day in Paris will have an incomplete vision of the city, and of him- or herself in it.

Great photographers like André Kertész understood how splendid Paris looks awash in gray and painted with rain. His book, J’aime Paris, shot entirely in black and white over the course of forty years, draws heavily on foul weather. I don’t know of anyone, with the possible exceptions of Atget and Cartier-Bresson, who has come closer to capturing the soul of Paris with a camera. The viewer will remember many of these photographs—even if he or she can’t name the photographer—because they have become part of the Parisian landscape in our minds’ eyes. That solitary man, his coat windblown as he walks toward wet cobblestones; the statue of Henry IV on horseback reflected in a puddle fringed by—yes—those sodden leaves. Kertész’s Paris sends a nostalgic chill through our bodies.

On one memorable trip to Paris, it rained. When it didn’t rain, it threatened to. This was in October, so leaves were starting to fall from trees, and that added a sense of forlornness to my visit. Each morning, I stepped out from my hotel on the Left Bank just off the Boulevard St. Germain into a dull gray morning. The sky hung low, the color of graphite, and it seemed just as heavy. The air was cool and dense.

But I wasn’t disappointed. After a shot of bitter espresso, I was ready to go. That week in October I set myself the goal of following the flow of the Seine, walking from one end of Paris to the other. I had bad weather as my companion, and a good one it was, too. I walked along the quays and over the bridges in a soft drizzle. The colossal bronze figures that hang off the side of the Pont Mirabeau were wet and streaming. The Eiffel Tower lost its summit in the fog. The cars and autobuses made hissing noises as they flowed by on wet pavement. The Seine was flecked with pellets of rain. The dark, varnished houseboats, so long a fixture on the river, had their lights shining invitingly out of pilothouses. The facade of Notre Dame in the gloom sent a medieval shudder through me. None of this I would have seen in the sunlight.

Then there is the matter of food.

There may be no Parisian experience as gratifying as walking out of the rain or cold into a welcoming, warm bistro. There is the taking off of the heavy wet coat and hat and then the sitting down to one of the meals the French seemed to have created expressly for days such as this: pot-au-feu or cassoulet or choucroute.

I remember one rainy day on this trip in particular. I walked in out of the wet, sat down and ordered the house specialty, pot-au-feu. For those unfamiliar with this poem, do not seek enlightenment in the dictionary. It will tell you that pot-au-feu is “a dish of boiled meat and vegetables, the broth of which is usually served separately.” This sounds like British cooking, not French, and the dictionary should be sued for libel. My spirits rose as the large smoking bowl was brought to my table along with bread and wine. I let the broth rise up to my face, the concentrated beauty of France. Then I took that first large spoonful into my mouth. The savory meat and vegetables and intense broth traveled to my belly. I was restored.

I sat and ate in the bistro and watched the people hurry by outside bent against the weather. I heard the tat, tat, tat of the rain as it beat against the bistro glass. The trees on the street were skeletal and looked defenseless. Where had I seen this before? In what book of photographs about Paris? I looked around inside and saw others like myself being braced by a meal such as mine and by the warmth of the room. The sounds of conversation and of crockery softly rattling filled the air. Efficient waiters flowed by, distinguished men with long white aprons, working elegantly. Delicious food was being brought out of the kitchen, and I watched as it was put in front of expectant diners. Every so often the front door would open, and a new refugee would enter, shuddering, with umbrella and dripping coat, a dramatic reminder that outside was no cinema.

I finished my meal slowly. I had left almost all vestiges of cold behind. My waiter took the plates away. Then he brought me a small, potent espresso. I lingered over it, savoring each drop. I looked outside. It would be good to stay here a bit longer.

I got up to go. Paris—gloomy, darkly beautiful Paris—was waiting.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Commencing with the simplest things--death

I was cleaning the apartment the other day and had Pandora tuned to the Bill Monroe station.  So it was country, it was bluegrass music, of the truest kind.

I listened for close to an hour.  Then something made me stop and listen to Ralph Stanley sing "Who Will Sing for Me."  Here's the first verse:

Oft I sing for my friends
When death's cold hand I see
When I reach my journey's end
Who will sing one song for me?

Then it struck me--and this is certainly not an original observation--how boldly and movingly country music talks about death.  There are so many great, poignant songs about death in country music.  The most famous is probably "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" by the Carter Family.  This is the first verse of that song:

I was standing by my window
On one cold and cloudy day
When I saw the hearse come rolling
For to carry my mother away.

Country music faces death.  Looks it straight in the eye.  Fears it.  Respects it.  It doesn't serve up any "Death, Be Not Proud" hokum.  (John Donne, it does not work.)

Those people--and here I mean the purebreds, the mountain singers, those from deep in the hollers where there isn't an un-genuine note--tell the truth.  That music will send chills down your spine.  It can be stark, but it's always true, the best of it.

Stark.  What is more stark than death?  I want to look it in the eye.  (Not for too long!)  I want death to know--I see you.  I know I will meet you one day.  And you will prevail.  These songs help me with that.  They give me courage. (And, yes, I am afraid.)  Especially at seventy-two, when I'm starting to hear footsteps.

Ralph Stanley wrote the most chilling, wonderful song about death.  He sings it unaccompanied, a capella, just that pure mountain voice of his.  It's called "O Death."  Some of the lyrics are below.  Nobody looked at death more clear-eyed than he.  But you have to listen to him sing the song. (Click here to do just that.)   It's something I can't describe.

Death, be proud.  Ralph Stanley wrote a killer song about you.

O, Death
O, Death
Won't you spare me over til another year
Well what is this that I can't see
With ice cold hands takin' hold of me
Well I am death, none can excel
I'll open the door to heaven or hell
Whoa, death someone would pray
Could you wait to call me another day?

Ralph Stanley

The Painters of Crosby Street, Part 2

New York, 1979.  I'd broken up with my girlfriend and was living in a sublet loft in Soho on Crosby Street for the summer.  I met a Russian painter in my building, Arina, an outgoing, exuberant woman.  She came by one evening and invited me to a party in her loft that Saturday.

I was going to a party in a painter’s loft!  I felt like now I’d truly been given official Soho citizenship.  Soho was, after all, settled by painters when it was an untamed frontier.  The painters were the pioneers.  They fought the early battles with the city and landlords for the Certificate of Occupancy—that coveted document that declared you could live in a commercial building—and those battles were often long, costly and unfriendly. 

I rang Arina’s bell Saturday evening.  She opened it and smiled.


“Come in, Reechard.”

 I walked inside.  A group of people were already there talking loudly away.  The room was large, spilling with light.  This was a genuine loft, unlike mine.  Half of it was filled with furniture, and the other half was empty except for a tall standing easel upon which was mounted an unfinished painting.  This half-emptiness of the loft made the furnished area seem like the set of a play.  I felt as if at any moment stage hands might come in and move the tables and chairs around. 
There was a piano in one corner, and a young man with dark blonde hair and horn-rimmed glasses was playing furiously—some classical music I didn’t recognize.  The man, who seemed to be about twenty-five, looked vaguely familiar, but I was sure I’d never seen him before, and that seemed strange.
I never saw this kind of stratosphere in the Greenwich Village apartments where I'd lived.  There was so much space and light I felt like I was outdoors.  There were no walls where walls would normally be, where the eye would be stopped.  It was deliriously disorienting.  There was a long heavy table next to the far wall and on it was a bounty of food—weighty Russian hors d'oeuvres with plates of cheeses and bread.  There were also six or seven opened bottles of vodka and twice as many bottles of wine.  People poured drinks and piled food on paper plates.

“Reechard, I want you to meet Zbarski,” Arina said.  She grabbed my arm and hauled me over to a tall thin man with reddish hair and a sharp-angled face.  He had a cigarette in one hand and was gesturing with it flamboyantly, painting the air with smoke as he talked.
“Zbarski!” Arina said.  “Meet Reechard.  From downstairs Michael’s loft.”
The man stopped talking and looked down at me.  Then in a sonorous musical voice he said, “Michael loft?  I thought he sublet to woman.”

 “No, Zbarski,” Arina said.

  He smiled and stuck out his hand.

 “I am Felix Zbarski,” he said.

  I told him my name.

 “Are you painter?” he asked.

 “No, writer.”  Pause.  “Well, I want to be.” 

“Writer?  Good!  We have already too many painters!"
Later, I learned that Felix Zbarski was a highly-regarded painter.  But at that moment, he was simply a smiling, booming-voiced Russian to me.
I heard the Russian language everywhere in loud melodic exchange.  Such a tongue, rich and dark as coal.  The voices thundered; they could carry across steppes. 
Everyone there looked interesting.  There were children, too, running about.  There is nothing so delightful and slightly intimidating as a boy or girl with parents who are artists and who were raised in Soho.  For them—especially as they grow old enough to understand a bit of the world—art, and the struggle to make art, is normal.  Their parents make art, and their parents’ friends do, too.  They come home from school to canvasses and paint and the exuberant, slightly desperate life of creation everywhere. 

It’s something to see these parents meet their kids as school breaks up for the day.  They have that same communal happiness all parents do seeing their children again, but these parents are dressed like Modigliani.  The children are slightly feral with their long hair a little disheveled.  Their eyes are alive with a penetrating confidence.  They know Manhattan, or this part of Manhattan, these urban native boys and girls, and they are completely at ease with the city.  It’s part of them.  They know and understand the city like a Louisiana country kid knows the bayou.  Seeing those parents, struggling with their art, not much money, yet raising families, just doing it—what was stopping me?  Why didn't I just quit my job at the ad agency and write?
Arina had two large dogs, boxers, with tawny coats and drooling dark maws who traveled about the room together nudging your legs and sniffing.  They came up to me.
“This is Pooshkin,” Arina said, stroking one.  “And this—Gogol,” she said, pointing to the other.  “They are sisters,” she said, laughing.  It was tricky for them to be dogs on the shiny old wood floors.  If they chased each other, their legs would splay out, like skaters.

 “Who is that man playing the piano?”  I asked her.  He looked unhappy as he pounded away expertly.
“He is Dmitri Shostakovich.”
What?  Dmitri Shostakovich?  I thought he was dead.”  I didn’t even think of how ridiculously young the man was, how impossible that he be Shostakovich.

 “That is grandson.”
Really?  Dmitri Shostakovich’s grandson?  The great composer?”

“Sure.  Why not?”
I looked more closely at him.  Yes, there was that classic visage—those thin lips, brown glasses, nearly squarish head, tall forehead, all softened by another generation, but still there nonetheless. The music he unhappily played, I learned, was his own.

And that phrase seemed to me to be the essence of my existence that summer:  Why not?  Walk into a loft and why wouldn’t you find Dmitri Shostakovich’s grandson, or anyone else for that matter?  And you would.  I looked around the room at all the people.  I wanted to be Russian right then and there.  I took a small glass and poured some vodka into it.  This seemed a good way to start.  The liquid looked like water, but was far more dangerous.  I started to drink, but Zbarski stopped me by putting a hand on my arm.
“You must toast something!” he commanded.


I thought for a moment and looked around the room. 
“Quiet!” Zbarski bellowed with a wave of his long flag-like arm.  “Reechard gives toast!”  His voice stopped all talking.  The room waited.

I raised my glass. “To art!” I said. 
Zbarski smiled.  He turned to face the people in the room.  He raised his own glass.

“To art!” His voiced covered the room. 
The crowd answered, raising glasses, “To art!” 

And then he drained his drink in one great, authoritative gulp. 

Felix Zbarsky and friend

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

The Painters of Crosby Street, Part 1

New York City, 1979.  I'd broken up with my girlfriend and was living in a sublet loft in Soho on Crosby Street for the summer.  I was thirty-five, and I had aspirations to be a writer.  I was an advertising copywriter, though, about as far from being a writer as you can get, despite the “writer” the two words share.    

I’d tried to write for real now and then, but I’d never gotten far.  I’d written stories in college that had won an award, but when I went into the world, I just stopped.  The pen I picked up wrote slogans, not short stories.  I was paid well for those slogans and commercials, and New York City always offered plenty of tempting ways to spend that money.  I still harbored the idea that I was a Writer. When you get to your mid-thirties, however, and you haven’t written more than a few stories since college, you can’t help but wonder: am I deluding myself? Was I ever going to summon the courage to just fucking write?

I didn’t know anyone in my building on Crosby Street.  I would share the elevator with people now and then, but I never said hello to anyone. They all looked like artists, and I guess I was intimidated and maybe thinking of my own lack of resolve.  They wore paint-splattered pants or bib jeans.  A few had children.  I always felt preppy, like I’d stepped out of a Brooks Brothers catalog.  I guess I had.

Then one day I met Arina.  I met her in the building's huge elevator—too vast for just people living in this small building and obviously used for commercial purposes.  I got on at my floor to go down, and she was there.  She looked and me and spoke:

“Are you taking loft of Michael this summer?”

“Uh, yes,” I said.  “I am.  Sublet.”

“I hope they don’t charge you too much.” 
She wore her hair short, a blade of which cut across her forehead on a sharp angle.  Her smile was open and ready, like a child’s.  And that voice.  She had a black-bread-thick Russian accent.  I loved to hear English spoken with a Russian accent, like hers. 

“No, well, I don’t think they did.”

I introduced myself. 

“I am Arina,” she said.  “I know Michael long time.”
The elevator reached the first floor.  There was no lobby, just a small area with wall mailboxes.

“You come for party or to eat something,” Arina said.  “I will tell you when.”
“Oh, yes, sure. That would be great.  What floor do you live on?”


“Great.  How will I get in touch with you?”

“I will knock on door,” she said, as if that were absurdly obvious.  Then she laughed, and it seemed I heard that crackling in the chest that comes from heavy smoking.  I stole a quick glance at her right hand and saw her fingertips were stained varnish-yellow.  We walked outside into the sunlight.

“I must to buy paint,” she said.
“You’re a painter?”

“Da,” she said.  “Painter.”

She smiled and turned and walked south on Crosby toward Canal Street on her way to the magnificent Pearl Paint Store.  All painters in New York went to Pearl Paint to buy their supplies, sooner or later.  They were pilgrims going to a shrine.  I loved going there myself, even though I was no painter.  It was four or five floors of everything that had anything to do with painting.  The old wooden stairs creaked appealingly as you explored each floor.  I wanted to buy everything, even though I could barely draw a stick figure.  Such an array of things!  I waved goodbye to Arina as she walked away. 
Before I came to Soho, I hadn’t met many painters.  Soho introduced me to painters, and that was one of the great pleasures of living there.  

When I walked into a painter’s studio, I loved seeing the disarray.  I loved the tubes of paint that had been strangled empty, lying side by side, tin corpses.  I loved the dried globs of paint on palettes or on old tables, the remnants of experiments of mixing colors, trying to match what he or she saw.  I liked the appealing chaos of a painter’s studio, with all those old coffee cans filled with upturned brushes, small and large; the unframed canvasses they stretched themselves, the in-progress paintings.  I never saw an un-messy painter’s studio—thank God.  It gave me a jolt of freedom when I saw this wild work.  Painting was physical.  Everything was action.  I always felt more buoyant in a painter’s loft—even if I wasn’t floored by the work. 

It wasn’t too long afterward that Arina knocked on my door.  It was around ten o’clock at night.  I found out she was a night owl, and, for her, the night, at ten o’clock, was hardly beginning.  I opened the door. 

“Reechard, we having party Saturday.  I want you to come.”
“Well, sure.  What time?”

 “I don’t know.  Maybe five.”
“The afternoon?”

“We begin early.  We go until there is no one left.”
“Ok, great.  Thanks.”

 She looked past me into the loft.  “You don’t move nothing?”
“No, no, it’s their place.”

“So?  Move things for you!  It’s your place for next three four months.”
I laughed.  “I’ll think about it.”

“Are you with woman?” she asked.
“No, not now.”

“I see if I can find you woman,” she said.  And then she turned and left.


Tuesday, November 14, 2017


On a bright September day in 1972, I walked up to an apartment building at 8 Duke Street in London. I looked at the list of names next to the door, and I found who I was looking for. I nervously pressed the buzzer next to the name. Pause. Then I heard, through the intercom, a nasalized, even-keyed voice.


"Uh, it's...Richard...Goodman.  From America."

"Come on up."

Buzzzz. Door released. I walked inside.

I walked three flights up, and, arriving at the door, I knocked.

It was opened by William Burroughs.

William S. Burroughs himself. The author of Naked Lunch, The Yage Letters and Junky. This was the same William Burroughs who had been called the father of the Beat Generation, the friend and mentor of Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg. There he was, smaller than I had imagined from the photographs, wearing a dark turtleneck, gray hair pulled over to cover some baldness. He beckoned me in.

I had written my Master's essay on Burroughs, and, during the process, had written him in care of his publisher with some questions. He replied!  We struck up an irregular correspondence. When I wrote him I was coming to England and asked if I might come see him, he said yes.

That is how it came to pass that I was in William Burroughs' London apartment. At first, he seemed shy, even a bit awkward. He sat on a stool in the center of his small living room with a cigarette almost always pressed to his lips or dangling from his hand. Ashtrays seemed to grow hills of butts quickly, and soon the room was very smoky. What was I going to ask him? There were so many questions. Thankfully, he began.

"I just got back from New York," he said. "I flew over there with the film script of Naked Lunch. Terry Southern and I were working on it. A producer said he was interested: I think he does ‘The Dating Game’ or some quiz show. So, Terry and I flew out to LA at his expense. When we arrived, this big black shiny Rolls-Royce met us at the airport, whisked us on into town. Well, it turned out he wasn’t interested. He said we’d have to cut out all the sex scenes and a lot of the scenes with violence. But what’s Naked Lunch without sex and violence?"

He spread his arms to indicate "nothing."

"Terry and I did some cutting, but he still wasn’t satisfied, so we gave it up. When we went to leave, the Rolls had shrunk considerably, down to some kind of mini. I said to Terry, 'We’d better get out of here fast before he decides not to pay the hotel bill.'"

He talked more and, gradually, he loosened up. (I'm not sure I ever did. It all seemed so unbelievable to me. I was just twenty-seven.) This was helped by the fact that friends of his began showing up all through the day. 

I told him that I liked The Yage Letters very much (a book consisting of an exchange of letters between Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg) but that I didn’t like Allen Ginsberg’s contribution. I thought it was self-indulgent. (God, that sounds insufferable now.)

"Oh, well," he said. "Allen has this idea that the whole world is love. Everyone is everyone’s brother, that kind of thing. He’s always felt that way. But I have a different view. I think there are sinister people about, trying to do you harm."

What about the revolver the character Lee (an early pseudonym for Burroughs himself) carried in Junky? Did Burroughs himself ever carry a gun? I was not going to ask him directly about his shooting his wife dead during a William Tell game gone wrong when he was living in Mexico in the early 1950s.

"Ohhh, yeah. When I was in Mexico City. I used to have this big ol’ .380 automatic. Used to stick it in my pants, right here." He pointed to his stomach-belt area. He was getting into character. "I remember one day I went into this pissoir, and I was waiting for my turn, when this man comes in — a typical punk — and he pushes his way in front of me. So, I opened my coat and tapped the handle." Pause. "He didn’t go into that pissoir ahead of me."

At a certain point, everyone decided to go to a restaurant in Soho. A caravan formed, and we headed out.  It was, ironically, a Mexican restaurant.  We ate and drank a lot.  I'm not sure why now, but I asked him about Norman Mailer.

"I like Norman,” he said slowly and precisely, "A lot of people say they have trouble with Norman, but I don’t. Get along with him quite well."

He seemed distant, so I let him be. Afterwards, we all walked out into the London night. Burroughs seemed a bit wobbly to me, and I was worried that he might have trouble finding his way back to his apartment building. He was going to walk. He was in a bright mood now. He shook my hand warmly.

"Ok, Baby," he said. "You’ve got my address. Next time you’re in London, look me up."

He waved and ambled off down the street. We all watched him disappear into the blackness of the night. Then we turned away and began walking.

"Will he be all right?" I asked one of his friends.

"William? Oh, sure. Somehow he always seems to find his way home."

William Burroughs at the time I met him